The Dictionary defines it as: Keen mental suffering, or
distress over affliction or a loss: sharp sorrow; painful regret.Grief is an instinctively, healthy human response to tragic
events that take place to varying degrees in the lives of everyone. Often
times, most would agree that the greatest loss a person can experience is the
loss of a loved one. Many would equate a painful separation or divorce as in
many ways being equal or perhaps even
greater than the death of a loved one in light of the associated drama that is
likely to surround it, and drawn out, with the perpetual grief that continues
to follow. Grief is can obviously be a very painful experience, however as most
situations in life, the pain does subside through the healing power of time.
For some people it may last a very long time with many associated “up and down”
moments. The closer the bind that we have with a person, the greater and
deeper, and the wound will be when that person is torn from our lives, which
will naturally impact our degree of our grieving, and healing process as well.
Those of who we aren’t so close to, perhaps such as a public figure or someone
of whom we did not have a very favorable relationship, this process may be at a
minimum. However, it is those closest in
our lives, by which we will suffer the most, when they are gone. Any
separation, permanent, or long term can have just as equal of a negative
impact, be it through death or divorce/separation.
1.SHOCK and DENIAL: Normally, the first reaction is to simply
deny our loss, by refusing to accept the news, or the reality of the situation,
or by carrying on as if it did not happen. A period of feeling emotionally numb
normally accompanies this denial as well, which can be similar to the shock
that follows severe physical trauma. However, through time, the reality of the
situation will begin to set in, and then an acknowledging process of life being
no longer as it was prior to the loss. Consequently, it may still but may take
days, weeks or even months before we finally accept it in its entirety.
2.ANGER: Our losses may seem to be “unfair”, and perhaps we
may even attempt to blame our self or others for the loss. We ask ourselves
question such as: “Am I responsible for
this loss? Or, “Could I have prevented this from happening?”
3.GUILT: We may blame ourselves for the loss, even though we
had absolutely nothing to do with it. We also forget the fact that we are human
and have our limitations, and therefore there are just some things that cannot
be prevented.
4.DEPRESSION: Many people also go through a period to varying
degrees of depression. This has the potential to be a very dangerous stage as
it can lead to greater debilitating conditions such as sicknesses or even worse
a lack of self-identified sufficient reasons to live on. These periods of
depression vary in degree, or length depending upon the individual, and the
severity of the tragic loss.
5.LONELINESS: As we lose
the support, and companionship of our loved ones, it is natural we become
lonely by coping with this new void. The familiar face is not there to see or
make us laugh and smile, and therefore a sense of being “alone” or, left out in
this big world.
6.HOPE: In the end of all this struggles we may be able to
learn to find reasons for hope again. Even if hope was already present to some
degree, yet at the time of distress, it became drowned out, due to the
overwhelming of the associated emotional feelings. Later on, we will arrive to
a stage when we remind ourselves of this truth: “No matter how difficult life
may get, we can pull through.” For this to, shall come to pass.”
Accept the help: Friends and relatives play a crucial role
in helping us to cope and move on with our loss. For many people, religious
groups, and its leaders can provide a great source of comfort. Faith
communities are usually some of the best help we can find in living with our
losses.
Ask for helps: Many people are unwilling or ashamed to ask
or get help. There is a good chance that many relatives, friends, faith groups,
may be just waiting for you to ask their help. Professional help is also
available, and must be sought if necessary.
Protect yourself:
Caution should be used, as to not be hasty in making decisions at times
of such emotional duress, for we are vulnerable to making choices of which may
regret it later as our mind clears.
Our Physical needs are also important. Rest is definitely
one of them, for there is a soothing and healing factor at work when we rest
sufficiently. It also helps prepare us for upcoming challenges, in thinking
more clearly.
Staying healthy: Eat well and exercise, and avoid all
temporary reliefs like depressants such as alcohol and other potentially
harmful drugs, for there will be tendencies to overindulge.
Be alert for problems. If we face physical or emotional
problems don’t hesitate to seek help. People who are religious or spiritual
should be proactively involved with fellow members going through hardship and
be alert, for any danger signs like avoiding faith based community gatherings
and religious functions meetings etc. altogether.
 |
| Dr.Thomas.V.Thomas |
II.How to face Grief?
Setting Goals:
A very important step
to take in coping and overcoming grief, is to simply identify, and set up
personal goals, and thenendeavor to reach them. To do this, it begins with short term goals
that are easily achievable. Some examples of such short term goals would bein writing
letters, sending emails, and completing needed visits to close friends, and
relatives. Also, make it a point to arrange
to keep you in good company, by having dinner with such company. Then when necessary for “alone time”, make
the best of it by perhaps simply make or get one of your favorite meals for
yourself.Set time limits for completing these activities, this will
help propel you to complete them. Recognize and take personal notes of your
progress. For we must appreciate the progress we are making in reaching goals.
Though they may seem to be “insignificant” they really are not, and to
recognize this will be a great help in moving forward in life.Take one day at a
time, and don’t allow yourself to become frustrated if this process doesn’t
appear to quickly come to pass.
In doing this it is very important to write them down.
Perhaps such goals might include, getting a new job, ifnecessary, move to a new
home or area that may be closer to loved ones and friends. If moving into a new
home isn’t a viable option, a simple remodel, or changing around of your
current home can yet help greatly, in helping yourself to move past the tragedy
emotionally, and mentally. When feasible, set time limits for reaching the
goals as well as the short term goals. Intermittently, re-evaluate, reassess,
and when necessary make adjustments to these goals, but endeavor to not let
them come fade away.
We must keep in mind
that with the loss or departure of a close or loved one, will most likely
result a in a lot of changes in our lives whether we welcome them or not, in order to confront tragic events as death or severe separation. Again in many cases, change of residence, or
job change will be necessary. Also, we
may even have to find new friends in some cases, especially after divorce, or
the loss of job or similar life altering events.
Offer emotional Support:
Just, being present can be a quite significant help. Never
underestimate the amount of support that good company can render for someone
suffering a loss. Often time’s people
feel compelled to say many things, but it isn’t always necessary, but being
there is quite significant. Don’t rule out a simple embrace or hand hold (when
appropriate), for some reassurances cannot be fully conveyed with words
alone. Obviously, you may not always be
able to be near an individual to do this, but when you make the effort to stay
in touch via either calling, writing, or sending cards, etc. It can still have
a great impact in reminding the grieving person that you are still there for
them though many miles away.
A sympathetic
listener can offer many comforts, which is something just about anyone can do.
When you simply demonstrate attentiveness, it definitely goes along way.
Encourage:
Along with being a good listener, when a grieving person
knows you are behind them, they will be more open to encouragement. When they
hear from you words such as: “Yes you
can make it”, or “It will be all right, we will get through this together”. It will have far reaching effects in assuring
them that you and others will stand with them.
Be patient:
Again, it is very
important to understand that accepting loss whatever it may bewill require
significant time.
Provide practical helps: Help the person especially after a
death in volunteering to help around the house, or perhaps business doing some
chores, grocery, shopping, cooking etc., this is most certainly a practical
aspect of being there for the grieving person, that goes a long way, which will
not be soon if ever forgotten.
Be willing to invite him/her to your home: for this may be one of the best way of showing
your concern and care. This invitation must not limit to 1-2 times but continue
as time and resources permit. This is especially significant around holidays,
or when family gatherings are common.
“Tears are a sign of weakness.” This is 100% wrong. Tears
are a natural way to releaseintensefeelings. There is no shame in showing in
expressing your grief regarding a tragic loss of person job etc. for it is life
altering.“Children should be sheltered from grief.” This is not true.
Children need to understand that life is not always fair, and that it isn’t
what they read in story books. Consequently experiencing great grief can be a
great learning tool in the development of children to maturity. Tell them about
the loss in an honest, loving way on their level, for they too need to talk
about and express their grief appropriately. Because, if they only know how to
react to it by what they see on television, it can be harmful in the long run.“It’s best to avoid discussing a loss with a grieving person.”
This is a false idea. Grieving people very often look for outlets to simply
talk out, and express their feelings.
They may feel uncomfortable in doing so, as to not to burden others and
therefore may be somewhat hesitant take initiative to talk. However, that is not a reflection of their lack
of need in expressing their pain related to loss.“An end to grief means an end to caring about a loved one”.
Not at all. Love lasts beyond grief through a commitment to living life fully.
It is simply a means of moving on, but not forgetting.Grief is not limited to humans. Animals also go through a
grieving period in their own way. Have
you seen animals like dogs; cats behave differently if their owner dies, or goes
away. Even if their own partner dies, or becomes separated. How much more do we feel sad, when we feel as
if we cannot talk and express sadness through words that others can understand?Counseling, psychotherapy, group therapy, prayers,
participation in helping others, is all part of this coming out process,
related to grief in our lives.
Recently I read a very interesting article on teen grief in
a newsletter called “Frontline”, and would like to share with you, what I have learned
through my readings, studies, and personal experiences in my associations with
teen grief. I write this with hope that teenagers of today find hope and
encouragement in a very painful, challenging world.Teenagers who encounter devastating circumstances could face
the following.
1. Loss of Security: they can develop a sense that others
whom they normally depend on may depart as well. Consequently it could even
evolve into a feeling of hopelessness to where they even fear for their own
lives whether it is rational or not. They may ponder within themselves
questions like: “What next?”,“Who will loveandcare for me?”etc.
2. Loss of faith: “How and why would a loving God do this to
me?”
3. Loss of dreams: “Life will never be the same, and my
future is hopeless.”
4. Loss of identity: “Who am I, nowthat this person is no
longer a part of my life?”
Teenagers are already,have sufficient turmoilin their lives
simply as a result of their adolescent years. Consequently they combat the
challenging changes associated with developing from a child into an adult.
These include typical hormonal changes, more frequent power struggles with
parents, and their yearning of independence from parental guidelines. They feel
ready to fly into the unknown, but cannot yet lift themselves up at times when
they fall, without support from others. Their ambitions have no boundaries, but
not without the typical obstacles life hands to them. So when something of a
tragic nature hits them, it can be more devastating than perhaps an already
matured adult.Many of us have heard familiar phrases uttered by teens such
as: “Nobody understands Me.”, “Will lifeever be normal again?” or“What’s the
point of living any longer?” Etc.
Death of a Parent
Well truly, life changes forever when a parent dies, especially
a close one. Consider this; while they are searching for their own identity, suddenly
they lose the one who loved them and supported them in that search. It would be
unusual for any adolescent, not to experience typical bouts with depression,
and grief that erupt, even many months after such a loss. At first when death
proved so unbearable, shock and disbelief intervened,and granted a cushion of
“comfort” for a short time. Their emotional systems shut down, only to prevent
an overload of intolerable despair.Teenagers may be prone to delay their grieving out of
reluctance, derived from concern that their own misery would bring further
anguish to their loved ones orfriends. Therefore, they may be too embarrassed
to express their emotions at all. At the same time, peers may become distant or
disappear because they do not know what to say or how to act. So it is double
loss, making the teenager feel more alone than ever.
Death of a Sibling:
There is belief that young people are not supposed to die.
They are expected to live long and happy lives. So if a young person dies, they
typically ponder the question of: “How could this happen?” The trauma of a
child’s death may be so piercing that the parents’ attention is focused almost
solely upon their own personal, unbearable misery. In a particular situation,
upon the death of his brother, a bereaved teenager said to me, “Everyone asks
me how my mom and dad are doing, but they never ask about me. Don't they know
this is hard for me, too?”Dr.George H.Pollock, writing in Psychiatric Annals explains:
“When the focus is concentrated solely on the dead child, the effects on their
surviving children can be lifelong“. Idolizing the deceased child is dangerous,
creating a sense of unworthiness for the remaining adolescents. They feel that
they have to compensate for their siblings absence, it is too heavy a burden to
place upon anyone.
Age differences of the children should be considered. If the
sibling were older, the adolescent may mourn the loss of a role model and
protector. If the sibling were younger, they may mourn the loss of someone they
cared for; someone who looked up to them.
Death of a friend:
The loss of a close friend may be
horrific as the death of a family member. Sometimes it is worse. Everyone in
general expect teen mourning for a parent, a grandparent, sibling, or other
close relative, but when a friend dies, teenagers are often left to deal with
their pain alone. Adults may even say: “why are you taking so hard? It’s not
like someone in our family died. “After the death of a friend, they may become hesitant
or even afraid to draw close to others.When a loved one dies, typical
adolescents may be afraid of “breaking down publically”, and consequently
bottle up their emotions, out of fear or shame of showing their inner feelings.
They may act as if nothing matters thinking within themselves; “Beside time
heals, doesn’tit? So there is no need to bother anyone.” Consequently they just wait it out expecting
their grief to somehow go away, but the overcoming grief process does not
follow this path. Healing only happens when they acceptand confront the natural
feelings which follow. Time does not completely heal a broken heart, but it
does heal, and allows us to further live with it. Religious leaders and/or
grief counselors, and can offer optimum insights for teens in order to truly
help them move on with their grief, and minimize emotional suffering.
